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Aaron N. Tubbs

Dragon chaser.

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Ok, now that I’ve gotten my act together with regards to coffee, theatrical releases, and literary matters, it’s time to get my holiday whining out of the way, and then everything will be back on track.

First off, LGA has got to be one of the worst large airports, ever. Between the complete lack of anything to eat in the terminals, to the fact that it has way more traffic than it can accommodate, to the fact that there’s always a tremendous queue to land and take off, to the fact that the arrangement of the security checkpoints is the most unintuitive ever, to the fact that navigating the outside of the airport is impossible, to the fact that the TSA agents don’t actually tell you what they want, they just mumble in another language, to the fact that the admiral’s club (the first VIP lounge in the world, no less) is a dump, to the fact that after landing it took 45 minutes to park, to the fact that after being parked, it took over 2 hours for our luggage to make it to the terminal, to the fact that … ok, you get the point.

Secondly, the FAA regulation that stipulates you must buy alcoholic beverages on the plane, and cannot consume beverages purchased in other places? Silly. That’s not an FAA regulation for safety, that’s an FAA regulation to protect the interests of the airlines. I don’t have any problem with this, as I get my booze free on the plane, but this sort of rule is retarded. It’s like the rule where you cannot bring your own snacks and drinks into the theatre, so they can gouge you for $8 for a popcorn and soda, $5 for some candy, and then force you to watch fifteen minutes of advertisements, fifteen minutes of trailers, and a lousy 90-minute movie for another $9 a pop.

Thirdly, the new FAA regulation that there be no cross-cabin traffic (coach class cannot piss in first class) is not for safety reasons, it is so that the first class passengers, who get little more than a larger seat, will have less irritations, in exchange for paying loads more than the coach cabin, and so that the coach cabin is reminded that yes, they are scum, and they will need to herd in the back of the plane with the other coach passengers, which was a lot easier before the new FAA regulation that stipulates you cannot herd by the bathrooms, as only one person can be standing and waiting at a time. Arbitrary rules are one thing, but explaining them away as matters of safety is just a cop-out. If you can’t empty your bladder on the airplane, the terrorists have already won…

Finally, MCI does not have bathrooms within the terminal (unless you use the admiral’s club; again, this works to my advantage, but it’s retarded for the common traveler). This combined with the fact that you can’t piss on an airplane unless you have superhuman senses for when the bathroom is open pretty much ensures you’re going to wet yourself all over the coach seats. Of course, this all comes as no surprise, since the MCI airport design only makes sense if there is no security. The moron who architected the airport probably should have thought of that, knowing full well that hassle-free travel was a luxury back in the day, not the norm for years to come.

In other news, we spent our first evenings on a (baffled) waterbed while in Kansas, which was a new experience. Entertaining, but I don’t know that I’d want to have one in the long run.

And that is a collection of some of the worst sentences I’ve strung together in months. Fantastic!