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Aaron N. Tubbs

Dragon chaser.

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We watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It was a horrid, wretched, disgusting excuse for a film.

Here’s what the film would be good for. Take the creepy bits with Depp, the squirrel room, and the pop culture references from the telvision room, and make it into a music video. Have the White Stripes sing or something like that. It’d win a VMA, for sure.

But as a movie, it falls flat on its ass. Sarah and I encountered some debate ont he matter. Namely, I asserted that as soon as you produce a film that is either a redo of an original work, or the second presentation of a book on film, you forfeit your rights to exhibit your film without comparison to a prior work. To this thinking, this movie was ghastly compared to the original, and there is no point in seeing it whatsoever. It would have to earn a place on the top five movies of all time list (which at last count numbered 13) in that case.

If, however, we take the other side, and pretend that this movie is allowed to stand alone, we can try to give it a rating above 0. I think one of the films they tried to do right was to make Depp creepy. This is what happens if you let people like me make creative decisions about films. If I was to be re-making the original, I would first say “you better make it creepy, because the first one was creepy.” Yeah, they made Depp creepy … but not in that spooky Gene Wilder way, no. They made him creepy in that “I’m a child molester” way. Not cool. Not the right creepy.

Right, I said I’d try to consider this film independently.

Oh hell, I can’t do it. I hated this movie. 2/10.